When my daughter was 15, my marriage to her Mom ended.  This trauma created a challenge in parenting that caused many a moment of anguish.  While it was nothing compared to what it could have been, the divorce brought with it a great deal of upheaval for all concerned.  One thing that survived was (and still is 20 years later), the bond and closeness that exists between parents who are in great fear for their lives.  Fortunately, my now ex-wife and I are still jointly parenting, and will probably continue this process as long as our daughter is still capable of breathing, or has completely cured us of the desire to breathe.  Oddly enough since the divorce, there are times when I actually feel closer to my daughter’s Mom.  Again Dr. Cosby was right, since our closeness is undoubtedly out of fear for what our daughter is capable of doing.

The real challenge, and the reason for accepting Dr. Cosby’s philosophy, started when my daughter turned 17.  I had remarried, and this time there were three children who came with the deal.  Now the reasons behind the marriage and why I would ever marry a woman with three kids would probably fill a medical journal on the folly of man, but I digress to a topic better suited for a separate visit.  (More probably a separate visit to a licensed mental health professional...).  The point is that I now have not one, but four children in my life.  The old movie “With Six You Get Eggroll” was cute, the television series “the Brady Bunch” was cute, but I can say with some authority that cute “ain’t life!”

“Life” is the not so rare moment when the scream from the back seat is blood curdling and opines that, “HE LOOKED AT ME!!”  “Life” is not just a cat bouncing down the stairs anymore, instead it is now the brother doing the ever popular Olympic event called the “Sister Toss”.  With the “Sister Toss” the motivator is no longer science and gravity, but rather good old fashioned revenge.  If you could get a gold medal for the “Sister Toss” then the 5 year old would have at least a dozen or more........  

Has this brought me closer to my second wife?  You better believe it.  We often spend our evenings standing back to back as we toss kids into and out of the shower, pajamas, and beds.  Trust me, back to back is the only way to keep each other protected from the “slings and arrows” of parenthood, which with our kids often means real slings and arrows.  Following the can of worms we call a family takes skill, patience, and nerves of steel.  Of course, we have none of that, but my wife has a wonderful right cross that has saved my life on more than one occasion.

This is not to ignore another night time ritual of wanting to wander halls or swap beds.  You see, children are inherently curious.  They want to feel like they aren’t missing anything, and God forbid, you should have any time with Mom.  This is criminal and the kids don’t want any part of that parental quality time.  Fear is about the only area where closeness can abound, since otherwise you are too busy taking them back to bed.  Locked doors mean nothing, since they will just stand outside your room and yell, “Momma, Dad, Momma, Dad, Momma, Dad, etc., etc.”  This of course continues while you scramble around trying to hide the candles and champagne.  Not until you open the door and yell with a frustrated “WHAT!!” will the child cease the incessant chant.  This is when you really come unglued since the child looks at you and says, “but I heard something,” or “Can I have a drink of water?”

Oh, yeah, togetherness takes a real beating with kids around.  It makes you wonder where they came from in the first place....  The first one I can see, since life was carefree and time seemed infinite, but the second?  My wife complains now that she can’t even get into or out of the bathroom by herself.  This is all part of every child’s inherent and instinctive ability to disrupt.  Got to go to the bathroom?  Hah, a kid will be there ahead of you!  Want to have a snack?  Hah, a kid will know and want whatever you are having.  Want intimate moments with your spouse?  What, are you kidding!!

Kids have radar!  They know whenever you are about to indulge yourself with food, drink, sleep, sex, or even a long bath.  When is the last time you saw a parent eat a hot meal?  At our house, the butt proximity warning devices (the kids) go off the minute my wife or I have our butts hit the chair.  “Can I have more juice, etc.”  There is always something, and naturally the kids never run out, or at least mention it, until you have just returned with the refill for the first one.  They watch in great amusement while they tag team you for all sorts of stuff.  We have gotten a little better control of this, since we make the oldest boy get up for the two little ones, and then just ignore the oldest.  If he can’t get it by now, then he probably doesn’t need it......

As a note, I will remind the reader that this was written originally in 1997.  The children were little, and well, rather under foot.  Someday, I’ll have to write something about the flip side to this problem, by writing about the empty nest.  We just aren’t quite there yet, since most of our children are now gone from the home, with most of these things now happening to them.  (At least my Daughter has it happening to her.  Yes, the Parental Curse, you know the one: “Someday I hope you have one just like you!”) ~ Michael S. Pauley

There is nothing funnier to a parent than to hear a younger couple utter their own self curse.  You know, the one where they look down their nose at you and your brood and utter the fateful words:  “We’d never let a kid of ours do that......!”  Hah, you think.  You poor dumb fools.  Delusion is wonderful, for without it, nobody would ever have kids.  Whenever I hear someone say that laughable phrase, I just step back and howl.  The last time I encountered this was with some friends who were older than us and just married.  Neither had children, and then at the ripe old age of their mid-thirties, they were presented with what could best be described as “Damien.”  At the advanced age of 3, this child already had an arrest record for reckless driving.

I personally believe there was a bottle involved, but apparently the arresting officer didn’t notice it because it was made by Gerber.  It seems that mommy left the mini-van running with the child in the car seat long enough to run in the house to grab her previously forgotten shopping list.  “Stupid,” you say?  “I would never do that,” you say?  Well, regardless of what you say, she did it.  Of course, she would never let her kid do it, but he did!  

After snaking out of the car seat with the ease of a double jointed monkey, he placed the mini-van into drive.  Now this was before the “press the brake to get it in gear” modification was required by Detroit, but even now with a new vehicle I honestly believe this child would have found a way.  As the child placed the van in gear, Mom returned to the garage.  Imagine her surprise as she re-entered the garage just in time to watch her vehicle move in reverse, through the garage door, across the street, and into the neighbor’s yard.  Imagine further her screams at watching a driver-less mini-van enter warp drive with her child, she believes,  firmly secured in the back seat.  Finally, imagine her joyous thrill at noticing that the mini-van is now firmly imbedded in the neighbor’s front porch, with her laughing toddler at the wheel.

This all took place in a blink.  She went inside to grab the list and to this day figures her total time out of sight of the child at somewhere well less than a minute.  However, just a few years earlier she noted for me how she would never let her kids out of her control.  Was I sympathetic of her plight?  Yes, after all, fixing a mini-van and a neighbor’s porch isn’t cheap.  Was I amused at her folly?  You bet, besides it is an almost sick enjoyment to see someone be so wrong after making fun of you.  Of course, this leads us to one of the basic rules of raising children, which our friend apparently forgot.  This Rule?  Never, ever, turn your back.  Not even for a second, much less almost a full minute!  

Personally, it would be more rewarding to think that maybe she learned a lesson.  Unfortunately, I am sure she didn’t, because while our children are heathens, her wonderful little “Damien” is just precocious and will eventually make a wonderful engineer.  I must partially agree, since I believe that some engineers should never be around people, and God knows this kid shouldn’t be either.  When young “Damien” flings things against the wall he is being artistic, when my 3 year old throws something against the wall we are lucky when it doesn’t stick.  Such is the difference with parenting styles and perspective.  Her child will continue to destroy for the sake of destruction, ours, well, ours will destroy out of good clean sport.  Out of control?  I guess for me the real question is: Were we ever really in control? ~ Michael S. Pauley

We took a couple of days to celebrate a family event and are now enjoying our Memorial Day.  There are many activities to attend around the country, in addition to the usual cook-outs and trips to the lake or beach. Stay Safe!

Dr. Bill Cosby, Ed.D. and renowned comedian, once said that you don’t know anything about parenting unless you have more than one child.  At the time I heard this I only had one child.  Certainly Bill had to be wrong, especially since my daughter was a complete handful.  I knew that because there was nothing too high, too secure, or too boring for her to destroy.  In fact, my daughter was an artist at giving her Mom and me those brief moments of terror that only parents can appreciate.

At the ripe old age of 18 months, she discovered how gravity would allow a ball to fall down the steps.  She would toddle up to the baby gate and heave the ball until it crashed to the bottom of the steps in our ramshackle government quarters.  Naturally, we thought this was not a bad lesson since she could equate how gravity would also have the same impact on her if she fell.  Wrong!!  While she never fell, she expanded her research efforts to items beyond a mere ball.  For example, her mother’s hair dryer, my boots, and several other toys also made the one way trip to the bottom of the stairs.  Coming home for lunch one day, I discovered an exasperated mom picking up most of the child’s room as it came down the stairs one item at a time.

Unfortunately for me, I laughed and said it was cute.  This was absolutely what Mom did not want to hear.  Her eyes narrowed, a slight color rose in her cheeks, and I discovered what most men fear all their lives.  My wife of four years turned to me and said nothing.  The silence was only broken by the fall of something as it came down the stairs.  The icy stare and the white knuckles made my heart almost stop, until................  Fortunately I was saved by another event.  It seems that my daughter’s noise also evoked the curiosity of the family pet, a not very bright cat, who wandered within range of my daughter’s grasp.

Now as we all know, whether we like it or not, science always gets around to doing live testing on animals.  We shoot rats and monkeys into space, and even a dog was afforded the opportunity to try his hand at space travel.  So, it was no real surprise to me that my young budding scientist would want to expand her horizons.  Interesting, only because of its absence from the previous list of animals in space, is the cat.  While curious, cats generally don’t like getting wet or flying, but in this case the particular likes and dislikes of the cat were probably not a real consideration.  My daughter lovingly picked up “Mr. Mittens” and then gave him his first, and last, flying lesson.  She was, after all, answering the time honored question;  if gravity works on stuff, will it work on cats?  To her surprise, and the cat’s chagrin, it does, . . . . . and does, . . . . . and does.

It was not a heave, or hard toss, it was more like a gentle underhand softball throw.  “Mr. Mittens” entered a beautiful arc, and then made two short attempts at achieving a landing.  The twisting action was especially entertaining to my daughter who was now cheering “Mr. Mittens” into the space traveler hall of fame.  After a brief rebound from the first step, and then the second, “Mr. Mittens” regained his composure in time to land dead square, claws grasping, on my wife’s bare feet.  Needless to say this broke her stare from me long enough to scream and then reach for my throat.  Thank goodness she broke her stare, since this was all the time the cat and I needed to make our escape.

Looking back on this incident I just knew that one child was enough to be considered a real “Cosby” kind of parent.  I had all of the joy, the pain, and the fear that Dr. Cosby swore was present from having multiple children terrorizing the home.  Well, time heals all wounds and makes us wiser.  In this case, all it did was slow me down and make me an easier target for what was to come. ~ Michael S. Pauley

Some years ago, 1997 to be exact, I wrote a relatively short story about the joys of parenting.  In the spirit of demonstrating how difficult it might be to raise kids, I sat down to write out a few of my experiences with a little humor.  I haven’t shared this tome much outside the family, but for some reason I thought I might share it here.  If you find it amusing, then by all means let me know.  If not, then so be it......  Without further adieu:

Every year when Father’s Day approaches, I have wondered why this holiday would be around in the first place.  My wife blames this and Mother’s Day on Hallmark and the other greeting card companies.  I, on the other hand, see it in a slightly different light.  Father’s Day reminds me more of the somewhat dubious honor imposed by the Purple Heart, or what I call the “I forgot to duck medal.”  I certainly am not taking anything away from the Purple Heart, because to achieve this honor you have got to pay a rather high and horrible price.  By the same token, no one I know goes off to war hoping to get awarded the medal either, at least I know I never did, and fortunately, I never earned it.  I was lucky, but with marriage and children, I was beginning to question that luck.
  
You see to be a parent requires a similar ultimate sacrifice, . . . your sanity.  I will guarantee you that men normally don’t go into their adult lives hoping to achieve the “I got a bunch of Kids Medal.”  The exception to this is the gentleman who willingly marries someone with kids.  The greeting card companies are finally acknowledging this stellar achiever, and now that I am one of those idiots, I can finally appreciate what that really means.

So, what does it mean?  Well, it requires you to never sleep, have a hot meal, or have uninterrupted quality time with your spouse.  It requires you to check reason at the door, and step into a world unlike any other.  In this alternate reality to a normal life, there are no right or wrong answers, instead there is only survival.  Life is fluid, consistency is a dream, but most of all, sanity is optional; the less you have, the more likely you are to thrive as a parent and step parent.  

This was the introduction written all those years ago, and there will be more to follow.  Hopefully you’ll enjoy it as something lighter than the normal geopolitical stuff. ~ Michael S. Pauley.

     While not a huge weekend for news out of the Ukraine, the world certainly didn’t take any time off from geopolitical intrigue. Libya appears to be headed to more unrest and civil war, with gunmen storming the Libyan Parliament Building. Several Embassies are shutting down in Tripoli, and there is more violence erupting in Benghazi. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Vietnam and China appear to be headed toward more strained relations. China has continued to extend its claims in greater portions of the South China Sea, and Vietnam is contesting those claims. China came to town with a drilling platform, and Vietnam appears to not be taking this affront without some degree of displeasure. There have been confrontations at sea, where ships have been rammed and water cannons employed to emphasize the point, and then there is violence in Vietnam itself. There the Vietnamese citizens, who are now embracing more nationalism, have begun to riot and initiate violence against any Chinese Citizens that live and work in Vietnam. This is prompting the evacuation of Chinese from Vietnam, while many nations are also evacuating their citizens and diplomats from Libya. Sadly, this is becoming the trend, from the Sudan, to Syria, to Libya, to Vietnam. So, while the Ukraine took a small break for one day, the rest of the world continued in that same bad direction, forcing our military to stay on alert to rescue our own citizens out of harm’s way. . .. Now, tell me again about that Peace dividend, and how we can downsize our military? ~ Michael S. Pauley

Another recent (not so) funny from the same folks that brought you Crimea, took place last week in Moldova.  It seems that the Deputy Prime Minister of Russia, a Mr. Rogozin, was attending a victory day celebration in the breakaway region Transdneistria, in Moldova.  (This was the same day that Putin decided to drop in on Crimea, for the same purpose.)  On departure it was clear that his aircraft was not going to be allowed to transit Ukrainian airspace.  This was a given, and while it was annoying to the Deputy Prime Minister, the airplane had other options.  The request to transit airspace was then sent to Romania, who promptly denied it.  Now, Mr. Rogozin descends into what I would call “The not so happy camper zone.”  In response, he replied that next time he would visit Romanian airspace in a strategic bomber.  Wait . . ., What?  

Naturally, Romania wasn’t too thrilled at such a threat, and honestly, neither am I.  These are big words, and more than a little bizarre for someone in such a high position in a nation that appears to be stirring the pot with a stick blender.  Romania fired off their diplomatic demand for an explanation regarding Rogozin’s threats, but you can bet there will be little if any response.  Welcome to the new age of threats, posturing, and bad behavior.  This ranks up there with the Russian Armed Forces, now wearing UN Peace Keeper uniforms, just ‘gathering’ on the border of Eastern Ukraine.  Nothing sinister there, huh?! ~ Michael S. Pauley

I watched with more than passing interest the events leading up to the alleged “referendum” that took place in Eastern Ukraine on May 11, 2014.  I even listened several days prior, as Vladimir Putin was advising the Pro-Russian Separatists to refrain from holding this rather bizarre election.  If anyone who reads this ever saw the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, then Putin’s words will remind you of Willy Wonka telling the children, “don’t”, “stop.”  There was no real meaning to his words, and even less impact.  Just like in the movie, where the children did whatever it was regardless of these pointless admonitions, the Pro-Russian Separatists held their referendum.  The meaninglessness of this exercise was brought to the forefront even before the trumped up results were announced.  I knew the “fix was in” when a leader of the Separatists in the Donetsk Region said that “Once the results are announced from the referendum, then Donetsk will form a military, and all other forces will be seen as occupiers.”  Either this guy has precognitive powers beyond our comprehension, or the election was rigged.  Gee, what do you think? ~ Michael S. Pauley 

Several days ago, on May 9, 2014, the Kremlin announced some new internet restrictions for Russia.  Since others have done so, I won’t go into the extent of those restrictions, but there is little doubt that they are designed to eliminate dissenting voices from being heard around Russia.  Nothing really new here, since it is the elimination of free speech and the exchange of ideas that keeps oligarch and/or authoritarian type governments in power.  Hitler knew to control the press, as have others, such as Stalin.  Now with internet transmittal of the news, not to mention the proliferation of global social media, the job of the authoritarian in suppressing thoughts and ideas has become somewhat more difficult.  

Now on a more personal level, as with most web pages, I have the ability to track certain information.  While I have no idea who is actually reading my page, I do know roughly the source or origination for the inquiries.  For example, I can tell how many people are searching or reading from Twitter, or Tumblr, or even Facebook.  I have no details, but I do have statistics about the sources for their searches.  Some weeks ago I began to get hits from a rather unusual source, a Yandex.ru.  Being curious, I did a simple search to see what and from where this was coming, and much to my surprise, the source of these various searches was from the Russian Federation.  

It seems that Yandex.ru is the Russian version of Google, or their version of an internet search engine.  On reflection, I feel pretty confident that such attention is not as a result of the popularity of my book in Russia.  After all, in the first book, I’m not particularly kind to the various Russian characters.  Oddly enough, when the second book comes out, there will be a slight change to this; however, for now, it is hardly a basis for fans from that part of the world to suddenly embrace my book.  More to the point, there simply is little reason for anyone in Russia to be searching my book.  Scratching my head, I took a look back over my more recent blog posts.  It seems that this sudden “attention” from Russia began shortly after the Ukrainian/Crimean issues began, and I began posting about these events.  

Naturally, this begs the question about whether this recent attention is because I’m a critic, and someone in Russia is interested in the opposite view from what they are being told, or whether it is because someone at the FSB has finally figured out that maybe I’m not a fan?  We’ll find out shortly, since with these new Kremlin directed internet restrictions, I’ll be watching to see if the traffic from Yandex.ru suddenly stops.  If it does, then I’m probably being read by a dissenting voice, if not, then hello FSB!  I will be keeping an eye out, and sincerely hope that it is the dissenting voices, but if not, and it is the FSB, then here is my personal message to them. . . .   “Hello, Assholes!  I’m baaack!  It has been a while, hasn’t it!” ~ Michael S. Pauley

Happy Mother's Day!  For those who celebrate this holiday, treat  the women in your life extra-special tomorrow, whether they are a mother yet or not.  I, on the other hand, have to be the luckiest man on the planet.  My wife does not practice what she calls 'greeting card' holidays.  While I am off the hook with her, I still have my own mother who also has a birthday around this time, so we celebrate the two events at once.  We try to make it a bit more special so she doesn't feel slighted by having a birthday combined with another holiday.  While having a birthday on or near another holiday makes it less likely to be forgotten, I've always felt that the birthday gets overshadowed by said holiday, like having your birthday around Christmas-time.  This year we have a plan for both!  We are ready. Are you!  You still have time to run to the grocery store for flowers and a card!  ~ Michael S. Pauley